I was talking with a friend of mine about her last horrible relationship, along with some sexual aspects of it, and whilst looking up information for her, I started perusing "sex advice for virgins"--I'm sure you know the type of article. The one listing 20 facts about safe sex, or addressing teenagers and their problems with pregnancies and "first time" horrors... Well, I'm no teenager, but I found myself reading those lists and articles and thinking about when I wanted to finally drop my "V-card" and go full-force with someone.

I've grown up believing that sex is something to be saved for marriage, as stated by God himself, and that anything else is a sin, bad news, reason for scorn, etc. I'm not denying that I still have some feelings attached to the issue from my religious beliefs, but that notion of reserving sex for holy matrimony has been preserved in my mind through the fear of... yep. Getting pregnant. People can check for STDs, you can make sure both you and your partner are safe... but "knowing my luck", the first time I had sex, even with all the contraceptives in the world, I would get pregnant. And then consequently be disowned. Or disemboweled. I can't really tell which.

That, and, at this point in my life, I cannot...COULD not... support a child! Not in any way, shape or form. Sure, I miiiight be able to make ends meet...eventually! But it's not on my schedule, not on my list of things to do, and certain not on my Christmas wishlist. A baby would be... catastrophic.

And yet, now I find myself longing to feel a little more adult. Perhaps it's not even that--that seems like I'm underestimating myself and my own thoughts. I know that I can feel however I want to feel through whatever actions I choose--being a virgin at my age is nothing to sneeze at, and for bragging's sake, it's not like I've never had the opportunity. I've chosen not to, and thus far, been satisfied with the results.

I must admit, however, that I pine for it--not the sex, really, but the decision. I long for the day when I'll either convince myself that God isn't going to hate me and that I won't be, in any way, similar to the Virgin Mary, or the day when I'm married and can rest easy about all of this. I just sometimes worry that having sex with someone could be yet another part of "getting to know them" before going through with a marriage. What if the sex life kills the marriage? Idealistically, that wouldn't happen, but I know that it has for certain people.

Ironically enough, a male friend of mine (who loves to hit on me, I might add -_-), just texted me with this: "You'd be able to get me up and ready for work better if you were here in bed with me. we'd proly get up, but we wouldnt be getting ready for work lol growl"--HAH!

That's another issue I could address, and really feel like bringing up. I am no lamb. (And now that I say that, I feel completely ridiculous and am inwardly laughing at myself for even making the comment...) What I mean to say is that my RATIONAL thoughts are what prevent me from having sex--not my hormones or my personality. If I had different views on the matter entirely, I might very well be pregnant right now--or something that's a sign of an active sex life. Happy? Hah, that was a joke!

At the end of the day, all of these things can wait, and I'm just anxious for the next great guy to come along and show me what I've been missing; not necessarily sex! A good time... love... something that doesn't make me believe wholeheartedly that men will always change their minds about me. (but more on that issue later!)

For now, adieu, and I hope you've enjoyed this somewhat-brief look at sex from the eyes of an old-ish virgin.

 

<3
GA

Hi everyone! I'm just getting started on... oh pah, I've got about 10 different Xangas and I'm no stranger to blogging. Hello :)
Just for a little introduction, I could be the worst of cynics some days and the best of the optimists on other days, but I think both core ideas coexist rather well in my mind. Beware--I'm not sure where I stand anymore, but I feel as if I have no good examples of healthy relationships, even though I'm still compelled to enter into them as often as I'm able. Love is wonderful... love is brutal... can any of us escape it?
(if you can, SEND ME AN EMAIL with full details! I think you might be on to the greatest discovery of the century, possibly the millenium)

<3
GA